“I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love” – “epiphany” by bts
In my previous post, I briefly mentioned journaling. Like I said, I usually take years to finish journals, but I didn’t this time, and I’m already halfway in the new journal from last month. Through writing in my journal, I realized that I needed something to talk to without fear of judgment when I was going through such a high anxiety time in my life (and I still have those moments). I just felt like my mind, body and heart was scrambling. I wasn’t connected to my body ,and I was too scared to connect bc my body was hurting! I didn’t want to approach that. So I told my journal about it, and through journaling, I am finding my way back to myself, listening to my needs, expressing my feelings, mapping out what to do next about situations (if anything; I learned in therapy that just witnessing my emotions can be as powerful if not more than trying to fix the situation) and reassuring myself. Here are ways that journaling has gotten me here, at the front steps.*
Good Ole Spring Cleaning
I found that I often have a list of thoughts in my head: to do lists, creative ideas, gripes, gratitudes, funny moments. And before I was writing in my journal, I would frequently have to go over the lists in my head so I did not forget before my main discussion which was usually designated for the shower. Imagine if something really annoying happened at 9 a.m. I would have to constantly repeat what happened just so I didn’t forget the details on why I was annoyed. With journaling, this annoying moment can happen and when I am ready (which is usually immediately), I can go ahead and clear the clutter of the day by writing it all out. I don’t even have to write down shit that is surrounded by a theme or makes coherent sense. I don’t have to write down the exact situation– Just how I feel. For me, I realized that my mind is way more clear. I don’t have to juggle a bunch of things in my head, or rehash something that wasn’t positive for me without really getting to dissect it at all. Now when I think of something, whether it’s an idea for writing or something triggering happened, I instantly know that I have to write it down, and so I do.
Allow Yourself
Allowing yourself to be grateful for what you have and be grateful that some things didn’t work out the way you wanted (or just didn’t work out at all). Through journaling I have guided myself from the hundreds of ways that I was better off not getting that job or not continuing that relationship. In all the empty pages, I can look around me and find gratitude in all that I have. I feel lifted slightly (just slightly… I am not yet like totally transformed by my gratitude). Sometimes it can get repetitive. I once heard someone say they were grateful for water, and that’s when I knew I still had a whole basket of things to be grateful for, down to my senses and simply being alive (which I often complain about). It’s not gratefulness because others might not have it, it is simply gratefulness as is. Allowing myself to appreciate what I have just because I have it.
Allowing yourself to think from different perspectives. Reflection is easier when I write it. Literally as I write it out I realize “wow maybe i was in the wrong” (I likely was not) or my view can just totally change or I can suddenly realize… there is a whole lot of gray here and I have been thinking so much in black and white. There has been quite a number of times where almost immediately when my pen touches the paper, about to simply explain the situation, I realize “Ok well maybe she could have meant that and I took it the wrong way”. There are situations that happened months ago, and when I bring it up again in my diary, I suddenly think wait… there is another reason he could have done that, and that reason is more likely. Unfortunately, it adds complexity to the situation, meaning that once again we are back to that space on Monopoly where you realize everyone is just human and we are all in a random thing called the universe and we don’t actually know what is going on ever.
Allowing yourself to release and affirm. If something fucking sucks, then it just does! Like we cannot “gratitude” it all away (that is a part of something called “Spiritual Bypassing” where you can basically suppress emotions, that can and should be released or delved into, by instead turning to the positive all the time). Journaling allows me to explainnnn like no one’s business. I can open up my journal and say, “I had a really hard day, here’s what happened”. Yesterday was one of those days. I realized that something I thought I had mostly moved past from I had not, and it really wiped my energy for the whole day. So I opened my journal and let myself go over it again. Surprisingly, I found new perspectives and I was also able to be more compassionate with myself. I realized that just because I know something in my head, it doesn’t mean I am willing to accept it in my heart just yet. So yes, the logical aspect makes sense, but I should still allow my heart to deal with it separately. I was able to release the idea that head and heart must move together in a time of trying to process an experience and move on from it. I was also able to validate my own feelings and realize, “yeah, I am… not over it! This is very much not fun at all! Here is why I am not over it, and that’s ok”. I’m getting there.
Allowing yourself to say wtf you wanna say or wish you had said. You can get out your frustrations and your sadness, curse up a storm, go on and on about how you are your own star crossed lover, anything. Sometimes I will think of a song and how much I love it, so I will open my journal just to explain the lyrics. Talking in your journal does not have to be a deep, well thought out page turner. It is just here for expression.
There is a meditation podcast that I absolutely love called Live Awake. She isn’t active anymore, but I always go back to it because they are just so good. No other guided meditation has made me cry and release negative emotions like this one. She has an episode title “You Are Allowed“, and I thought it was fitting.
Your Older Self Will Thank You
So often, things are difficult or funny or sad in the moment, and going back to read it ten years later could very well coat everything in silliness. When lockdown was implemented last year (for like… a week?), my friend introduced me to “Drunk Presentations” where you get on zoom with your friends and present about anything you want. One Friday, I had decided to open my diary from elementary-graduation day of high school and recite some excerpts in the most dramatic way possible: Pre-Raphaelite imagery with sunglasses and a dark lip. It ended up being my favorite presentation that I have ever done. I was able to reminisce on moments, knowing where I am now and how happy I am to not be in that situation anymore. My friend and I laughed at my sitcom level situations, that were stressful in the moment, and that’s truly when I was able to appreciate documenting my life in my journals– to laugh at it down the line. This doesn’t happen all the time, and the whole operation of looking back at your diary should be done with intention and care because it may consciously or subconsciously trigger negative emotions.
speaking of being intentional
Journaling gives me time away from socials to figure out how I am really doing. I like doing this because… for 23 years I did not check in with myself. I would actively ignore my panic attacks. I didn’t acknowledge them as panic attacks until just about four years ago. Writing down how I am feeling allows me to do a body scan, check in with my emotion wheel, and acknowledge the day/moment/stage I am in. When I first started doing this a couple of months ago, I thought the major benefit was that if I figure out how I am doing, I can figure out what to do next. But again, not everything has to have a plan right after it. Simply witnessing my experience and my emotions can also be enough. It kind of feels like sitting and having a conversation with yourself, then the camera does a slow back away. That feels more satisfying than me facing me and then we both nod and run out of frame to do the next thing that we feel like will “fix” it.
I have probably mentioned FutureMe a few times over the years, seeing as though I started using it around the same time that I started this blog. FutureMe is a website where you can send emails to your future self or someone else that you wanna send an email to in the future. I check in with myself that way, too. Sometimes I choose five years in the future, sometimes I choose next week. I give myself reminders to do things like meditate, I email on certain days to check in for more specific things I know are happening, or I just pop in to send myself a funny YouTube video or talk about my day. It’s like when a loved one reaches out randomly to ask you how you’ve been and to tell you they love you. bitch, you are the loved one. This is true self romancing.
In a loving conclusion…
As I dive deeper and deeper into myself, the place that I have now come home to, my journal entries get harder and harder to read back. In fact, I haven’t read back much of anything since I really started writing again in November. I often look away when I realize that I am on the wrong page. But I think that shows how much I am expelling things that I don’t want to hold onto anymore, or things that I want to churn into something new.
Through coming home to my heart and my head, I have had no other choice but to realize how much I need love and affection. I am deciding to give it to myself because I know I deserve it. Whether in legit scribble scrabble or swirly cursive, I am the one I should love!
Your Queen, Jester, and Scribe,
Ken
*P.S. Although I am so grateful to have picked up a journal again, I still feel hella anxiety at times and unsureness. Journaling isn’t the only answer! Talking to a professional (and/or a psychiatrist to consider medication), mindfulness, and even dancing around are also tried and true ways to clear the fog, release stagnant energy, and come home to yourself and your needs.
Kennedy 
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