Kennedy

As someone who is anxiously attached, what’s better than spending my entire life pining after different people in a cat and mouse chase? Literally nothing.

That is until study abroad 2017-18 came along. I realized that maybe someone who wants you back is the new ideal, even if that initially feels icky and uncomfortable. So I continue with my pursuits, finding out more and more about myself along the way– trying to leave this behind and take that with me into future adventures. All of these lessons, and all of these people, have been strewn out across a growing stack of journals. So I made an excel sheet. Not to all the boys I’ve loved before (it would be a mile long of very intense, mostly high school, infatuations), but to the ones that have shifted my perspective in some way, where I am left with much to contemplate outside of the series of awkward moments my brain refuses to forget.

The point was not to have a “Burn Book” of sorts, but rather to empty the vaults of my brain so I don’t have to feel like it’s necessary to remember little details about people I don’t even talk to anymore! I finally feel free enough to not store the memory of someone’s rising and moon sign. I was also able to practice compassion, knowing that within my story each of these people are frozen in time. I had the chance to cut me and them some slack: two fourteen year old’s in the cafeteria, two bratty drunks in Europe, two mid-twenties know it all’s who just can’t get the words out.

There are three people who have access to this, one of whom reminded me of extra silly things to add, like nicknames and moments that were once awful and are now laugh-out-loud hilarious (I love when that happens). It all felt like a fun, Sex and the City narration. Each row is a different shade of pink, and each person represents more than themselves. They are also a reflection of how I was feeling about myself at the time. The consensus is: I didn’t feel that good, but it’s getting better with every connection.

Now, for some takeaways:

First and foremost, I have developed a ~fad in my adult years of pursuing people who don’t live near me or are moving soon (and as a result, I voluntarily take on an incessant, aching yearn). So let’s just get that out of the way as a through line among literally majority of these people. It was funny haha the first two times, and then it quickly became funny weird.

Second, when I was younger, I had a very specific, rigid type that I was attracted to. As I got older, I realized that type was learned. Needless to say, my younger self would be aghast at how diverse and colorful my connections have become. And I’m genuinely really proud of that.

Third, I equate the extent to which someone wants to be with me (ex: fling vs committed relationship), as a sign of self worth. If they only want short term, it simply must mean that I am not good enough for them to want more (regardless of what I actually want in return!). This one I haven’t fully fleshed out yet, because moving to exclusivity is fine, but I am suspicious that I do it more for the perception than because that is what I actually want with this person.

Most importantly, I learned that craving and subconsciously setting up situations where I can feel neglected, abandoned, and unconnected is a habit that is scarily hard to break :). These situations get progressively less intense, thank god, but I think seeing a professional is in order! Sex and the City, overanalyzing myself, and telling my friends all of my business can only get me so far.

I frequently think about how Kim K has a box filled with memories of her exes. I remember always wanting to do that. I am so glad there is a place to hold these memories. The goal is to open the excel sheet, be less judgy, and more so let this be a place to smile. And to finally understand what my type is now. It’s like a cute little yearbook.

H.A.G.S.,

K