Kennedy

I am back after two weeks in Seoul, South Korea. It was long ago enough that I have unpacked my luggage, but the evidence that it wasn’t so far away is still here; my sleep schedule will get on track one of these days. I want to rehash my trip, knowing that this will not be the last time that I will mull over the experience.

I have been saying that this trip was “good” or “great” to the people who I know would be concerned for me, and “interesting” to the ones who I know can take a little more… detail after. My art history professor hated when we would use the word “interesting”. She always said “interesting means nothing”, but to me it is so complex and not capable of going into any category, and that’s how I feel about this trip.

I’m curious of my final say of the trip, and then the final final say, and the final final final say, perhaps a year from now, and then maybe some time after that I will have a healthy grasp on how to summarize it to myself and to others while always including compassion and honesty. There were definitely elements that reminded me of study abroad, and all that study abroad was took me at least a year to finally stop saying that I hated it. Because I didn’t. I hated some things that happened, I hated feeling like I had no control over my emotions, but I was 20. And I understand now that Switzerland has a special place in my heart even with all of that.

Seoul didn’t steal my heart, but maybe it will next time.

I went on a date on my last full day in Seoul, and we talked about how the people you meet on your trip can make or break your trip. Of course, it is still your trip and you have the power to turn it around and adjust your outlook and blah blah blah. Solo travelers still want to meet people they can go to a cafe with, people who can tell them the truth about the touristy spots, people who they can trust to have a fun night out with. You can do so much alone, but it is so special when you have the chance to not be alone for a bit. It was very validating to talk with my date about that, because I often feel needy and confused and annoyed about how much I sort of resent having to do so much alone.

When it comes to Seoul, I feel a small blinking light to come back. It’s probably driven by ego, like, how dare I only knocked off one thing on my manifestation list of 10 things? How dare I forget that going to the club with a blonde hair blue eyed girl would probably highlight many of my insecurities and remind me that I was undesirable there (but also fuck being the object of desire?? Idk it’s complicated!!!)? How dare I make these business cards and not give a single one out? So it’s almost like I want to go back in a spiteful way. Much to unpack here.

I want something to come back to, though, or someone to come back with. In my opinion, Seoul is not a place to go to and explore alone. So many people are in groups or pairs, a Korean native told me that solo travel for Korean women is really rare.

Well, how was the trip? It wasn’t bad by any means, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I would say, it was a satisfactory slice of life. I definitely wanted it to go more my way, like always, but overall I had a nice time. Maybe I didn’t network like I wanted, partied like I wanted. I did, however, speak in Korean as much as possible. Anything I felt fear to do, I encouraged myself to do it. I saw some of the most beautiful art I have ever seen. I had heartfelt moments with other people, even if it was fleeting. I barely got lost, and when I did I knew almost immediately how to get back on the right track. I didn’t have a picnic at the park like I hoped, but I had skateboarding lessons on the Han river at sunset. I didn’t go to two fashion shows, I went to five. All of the things I wish never happened- crying on the side of the road in Itaewon, getting sick, wasting full days because I was so tired or too sad- can be balanced with the things that I am so glad happened – bouncing around Seoul with another Black woman I met for 8 hours straight, feeling on cloud nine at COEX mall because they had my size in multiple stores, using my old ass college ID to get a discount at a museum, genuinely feeling beautiful every day I walked out of my apartment (my outfits may have taken a downturn after like day 5, but I did the hell out of my hair and makeup), having the most serene and lovely upcycling sewing experience with the two women that ran the place. I feel very hopeful to try again, and I hope that it’s better, but this wasn’t bad. I’m still going to call it “interesting” for now. It’s a developing story!!!

Talk soon,

K