Kennedy

I never knew how much I would enjoy the feeling of being in my late twenties. The year 26 seems so pretty, and 27 seems prettier. Something about it feels fresh. It makes me think of summer dresses and eating out with my friends in the evening under twinkling outdoor lights.

Except… just one thing… I haven’t been living the way that my late twenties makes me feel. Although I am grateful for all that I have, I acknowledge that I am not near where I want to be.

Finding a full time job is a job in itself (with a degree). I have only been able to snag part time jobs working full time hours for the past two years. All of these part time jobs spoke to me about how it would be nice if I went full time, but in the end, it hasn’t come to fruition.

I’m also living at my parent’s house again after a stint of independence in the city. Which is another can of worms.

Back to the job, I was so hellbent on getting a full time job that frankly, I am exhausted. It feels so forced, and the rejection emails are nonstop. I still apply almost every day, but I have come to realize that maybe I am pounding on a door that won’t open, at least until I turn around and see if there is an opportunity here. And… maybe there is?

So, surprise! I am traveling internationally very soon. This has come from knowing that I have been working 40+ hours a week with no benefits or vacation time for years. I want to use that to take a couple weeks to travel, because there is a reality in which I would have a full time job and only go on vacation when I had enough days, but in this situation I can take off when I want.

I have a lot of conscious and subconscious expectations. There are so many things that I want to do, and types of people I want meet. I have been taking language lessons for about ten weeks now, and it was a reminder that studying is important, and also a reminder that I hated studying in school! Either way, I have learned so much, and I am so grateful to be able to afford to pay for an actual teacher for one-on-one lessons. I remember when I was studying abroad, and I was so scared to communicate in German that I just spoke in English rather than attempting anything. I hope that I have the confidence to speak in another language, even if I mess up.

I hope for wisdom and pleasure and adventure and courage and laughter and authenticity. I hope to sleep on the beach and sing in the park and ask a lot of questions. I hope to get to know people, and that they get to know me. I always felt like I could be extroverted and charming, and it does come out when I feel pressured to like if I’m with another person who is also shy, but usually I am so fearful of rejection that I prefer to not say anything at all. I hope to acknowledge this feeling and speak up anyway (I’m imagining holding my fear under my armpit like a puppy and using my other hand to express myself). Lastly, I hope for health and safety. Actually, the last thing is that I hope I have a trip that I can always look back on and smile, that makes me feel warm.

If I were to see a silver lining, maybe I have not been hit with a grand job that I both love and that gives me financial stability in a walkable city because I am meant to travel and make friends from all over and explore the world. That’s what I am choosing to believe. Or my cover letters suck.

Wish me luck,

K

photo credit: Unknown, I tried to do a reverse search, but I couldn’t figure it out. I originally found it here on Pinterest