Kennedy

Me + Me = Always & Forever

Listen & Read:

//aguardiente y limón %ᵕ‿‿ᵕ% by Kali Uchis
Uuuu by Steve Lacy
Alone & Unafriad by ELIZA

Heartache is a true evil that I have not often experienced, but if you’ve read my previous post, then you will know that I am currently going through that process– to which I have no idea what I’m doing. As time and I chisel away at the emotional and energetic attachments, I have found a few things that make me feel loved and safe. These methods of self love go way beyond coping mechanisms for heartache, but it just so happens I didn’t really begin to face myself until lightning struck.

i wish all people who compulsively make playlists on Spotify a very pleasant evening

Roughly this time two years ago, a friend made it known that they wanted me to make a playlist for them. I was shocked, seeing as at the time I literally had about the same five playlists since making my account six years prior (we got the slow songs, the fast songs, the “hip hop” playlist, the Christmas songs, and Lorde’s Pure Heroine album as a playlist on it’s own). So… I had no idea that people thought I had the very paramount skill of playlist making, but I soon tried it out. At the time of writing this post, I have 93 playlists that all have unique vibes and are mostly complete.

Now that I am a playlist connoisseur, I have found that it really helps me calm down as well as figure out what I am feeling. I have always had a hard time connecting with my intuition and accurately expressing my feelings. When I need to make a playlist based on my emotions, I can allow my ears to pick what songs tap into my body and the story that it wants to tell. For this heartache process, I made a playlist when I need to cry (including songs that were played on this journey and songs that just make me sad), a break up playlist (filled with recommendations from friends and songs that make me feel good), and a moving on playlist that is mostly detached from the heartache event and encourages forward motion.

I also believe that playlists imply growth. Looking at my bigger playlists that I always add to, I can scroll down and find the bundle of songs I added in every phase of my life over the past eight years. I spot the cluster of Black Panther songs and know that’s when I was living alone in Switzerland. My eyes glide over some of the more recently added Italian instrumentals that are still too hard to listen to right now. I can see the hundreds of songs stacked on top of each other, and the infinite experiences I endured, and it feels like growth. The point is, making playlists have really worked for me, and as someone who needs an array of songs with a very specific feeling, I will definitely keep piling on. I feel a lot of things… I’m a Cancer (with a Scorpio moon so please shoot me).

Imagine a buried skull and bones, and then it sticks a hand out through the fallen leaves. That’s me.

So I’ve been binge-watching Community. In fact, I just finished the whole thing, and I am now wasting no time as I start watching it from the beginning again… Yeah. Anyway, in season one episode 18, Jeff says “when you have friends, you have family”. That really struck me. I wrote it in my journal and everything. It’s important to be independent in this society, and that is displayed as doing everything yourself even if you’re struggling. My friends have really been helping me get through this. It’s a process that literally everyone I know has gone through, so being ushered by my friends through this cave of deleting pictures and crying over BROCKHAMPTON songs has really felt like chain mail (but lightweight. and give it an illumination feature so i can see slightly better in the dark).

About three weeks ago, my sister reached out to me to let me know that she is always there to talk. I am not close with either of my sisters, but I decided to push myself and confess that I do want to talk. We were on Facetime for five hours. While we were on the call, she told me that something she learned from heartache is that the more you talk it out, the easier it gets. She told me to talk about it so much that I get tired of hearing myself talk about it. I am still learning to do that, as I often police myself to not talk about it too much with my friends because I don’t want them to get tired before me about the subject, but I really appreciated that advice. In instances like this, it’s important to have honest conversations with your friends and ask them if talking about your issues is beginning to bother them. That is also something I struggle to do, because I don’t want to know the answer : ). But I’m working on it!

Similarly, in the episode description of the podcast Black Girl in Om, the host Lauren Ash mentioned something very powerful to me, “… acknowledging the generative nature of sharing her story as a catalyst for healing, for awakening, and for connection”.

If you have the funds, therapy is a great option and an easier way to reach out for help without feeling like a burden. My previous therapist has since stopped taking insurance, and her rate went up four times the original price! So I know how difficult it is to find therapists in general but also in a certain price point. That being said, talking in my journal has been super helpful, and I’m being serious. It used to take me years to finish a journal. My last one was from late 2017 to around the same time 2020. Tell me why I started my new journal in November 2020 and by February 20, 2021 I’m decorating my new journal. I like the fancy ones, but the back of an old spiral notebook works just as good. It allows me to say whatever I want without fear of judgement and to have revelations between me and myself.

(also there is a such thing called an emotion wheel. I found out about it through the GQ interview with Justin H Min. It’s just a wheel with hella emotions, and it really helps me target exactly how I’m feeling. I so often will just say, “I’m happy” or “I’m sad” or “That did/didn’t feel good”, and with this I can go deeper into what I’m feeling and say things like “I’m feeling inspired, valued, hopeful, cheeky” or “I’m feeling fragile, abandoned, disappointed, inferior”. Words that are this specific also allow me to better explain why I feel that way. All of this is helpful for not only me but the people that interact with me and want to help. I have it printed out in my room and office as well as an image of it in my phone.)

“Hands to Myself” Selena Gomez, Revival (Deluxe), 2015

Something else that I find tenderizes my heart and hard shell is touch. EFT, also known as Emotional Freedom Technique or Emotional Focused Therapy, is a process of tapping different pressure points in succession while also basically having a repeated affirming conversation with yourself. It’s ever so slightly more complicated than that, so here are the women of color that I like to watch: Maryam Hasnaa, Abiola Abrams, & ediyasmr.

An ASMR-tist SemideCoco on Youtube (fun fact: she is Ediya’s cousin) does acupoint ASMR videos with her family. She is in nursing school, so she often speaks about each pressure point that she pushes to release grief, anxiety, and just general pain. A lot of them you can do on yourself, but some would be easier if you asked someone else to do them for you, which relates to the section before this. Look at me making connections.

Meditation is a great tool for a wide variety of reasons, and I can only do guided meditations for also a wide variety of reasons. During a lot of these guided meditations, I am asked to place my left hand over my heart space and my right hand over my stomach. That quite often triggers a cry. Patting yourself on the back is a popular one, and this can be incorporated at any time that you realized you accomplished something even if it’s small. I’ll realize I completed my to-do list and then pat myself on the back. I will probably do it again when I post this article bc I haven’t been on my blogging grind in a minute. Hugging yourself is also a good one, whether it be hugging the torso or laying on your back if you’re able and bringing your knees to your chest for a good hip stretch.

Other~ forms of touch are super healthy for you and of course is the quintessential example of self love (other than like… online shopping or something). It can also knock you out or leave you leaping out the bed with motivation– both are things that can distract from anything that has been disrupting your inner peace.

Your body is Ms. Hightower from The Proud Family, and you better listen before she gets angry

For only about four months, I have realized that I don’t listen to my body. If I’m hungry, I would continue to sit there. If I have to use the restroom, I wouldn’t move a muscle until it’s completely overwhelming. When social media makes me feel sick, I kept scrolling. Some might call it depression, I… won’t argue with that. It’s not easy to connect with my body, especially when my mind always wants center stage with it’s intrusive thoughts, unrealistic daydreams and scenarios of arguments with people that get me irritated in real life for no reason (but I’ll still give my mind her flowers because she can do basic math pretty fast). I have learned that I don’t listen to what my body wants until it’s screaming, and as an act of self love, I am trying to be more vigilant and attentive. I can recognize the wave at the bottom of my throat when I suddenly need to cry, or the stone in my chest when anxiety starts to bubble up. When my back or legs hurt, I have been trying to move until I’m comfortable instead of continuing to stay in the same position. Counting down from five works well for that. I am trying to figure out for myself what parts of me are choosing to suffer, even if it’s small, when I don’t have to suffer.

For external stressors, I have been figuring out how to work on that as well. Here is an example that I am proud of. I do not often have my phone with the ringer on. Only when I am expecting a call do I turn it on. At the start of the heartache process, I persisted through hearing my mom’s phone go off with every text as she had the same ringtone as mine. My heart sank each time I heard it because I thought my former person was calling me on my phone to reconcile or say hi or express that it was a butt dial. It was painful to simply ask my mom to change her ringtone. I don’t like to inconvenience people, and I would rather die than have them be mad at me. But it was more painful to continue to be in a heightened negative state when I could just be honest to her about what my body was feeling. So I did, and before I could even finish explaining, the ringtone was changed. I would count that as an act of self love to express my needs.

It’s all an uphill battle. I still find me being mean to myself or suppressing my body’s needs or struggling to deal with anxiety. Recently, I caught myself scrolling mindlessly through twitter as my gut felt a super intense, unidentifiable feeling. When I stopped and looked inward, I kept asking myself “what’s wrong?” “what’s going on?”. Talking to myself in this way usually helps. It feels good to know that I care to listen to my body, and when I can find the answer, I can break it all down in my head, in my journal or to a friend. However, I found that when I can’t find an answer, it gives me anxiety. Like, why was I feeling like that? I still don’t know, but I have learned that not knowing does not mean that I am helpless. If I cannot find the answer, I can replace the interrogation with saying “I’m/you’re safe” and “If you wanna cry, then let’s do it” (even typing that second one out makes me teary. I guess I am just proud I have gotten to this point). I am usually speaking to my younger self, who is also me of course, and being affirmative in this way quells the anxiety.

Witchcraft is always a viable option

I am learning that perhaps watching general tarot readings during the process of heartache is not something that I would recommend. It’s just hard to hear about love, especially if it does not resonate with me. When it does seem to resonate, it’s also not fun. I heard from not one but five general readers on YouTube that I follow, who explained my scenario quite accurately, that I would be hearing from my former person that week. “That week” was four weeks ago! Thank you! However, if you have cards or you have a friend with cards (or you have the means to pay someone to pull cards for you), that is super comforting. It allows you to ask more targeted questions, create an intimate and vulnerable setting between you and your cards/reader, and the cards will pull from just your energy (& the reader’s energy) rather than the collective. At the very least, it gets me away from the trap of adding hundreds of videos to my watch later. At the very most, I can get insights on how to care for myself better, what I’m doing now that seems to be working, and any words of wisdom.

POV: You just pulled into the driveway from a long road trip. You’re pretending to be asleep in the backseat so your parents can carry you to your bed. (tldr; this blog post is nearly over, we’ve made it home)

I am not entirely sure if Psychology Today is reputable or not! However, here is a short article on some steps to self-love from an actual (alleged) professional.

Again, do I know what I am talking about for certain? No. But I’m trying. If anyone is to remember anything about me, know that I am trying.

Maybe I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but let’s keep going.

Love, Ken

P.S. I just finished writing this post as the end of “Gimme Love” by Joji was playing………….. and that’s on the universe.