Who knew leveling up would make me feel like shit.
Think about who you were ten years ago, five years ago, last year. They are likely all three different people to each other. Now, how in the heck did you go from then to now? Most people can’t trace these transformations (I have no evidence of “most” people but please go with me). We just slip into a new version of ourselves and only realize we shed our skin when we look back.
But sometimes, growing is painful. Where you can literally feel yourself changing as it’s happening, and it’s the worst (and best) experience ever. I’m here to talk about that.
In October of 2020, I decided to get a Hinge account. For backstory, I have been on dating apps before, but only to be a goblin– basically laugh at bios and have conversations that are only entertaining to me. I have grown from that. But for this new account, I had new rules: Set specific intentions (in this case, they were to just embrace dating and figure out the avenues of flirting), actually put myself out there, and commit to one month.
I put my best foot forward, meaning I added a photo of me falling on my profile to look relatable and fun.
WARNING! Side effects of genuinely putting my heart forward to strangers include: terrible conversations, conversations that were not so terrible and in fact very funny, my deep rooted fear of rejection bubbling over and causing anxiety so intense that I involuntarily stop eating and lose fifteen pounds in a month, scoring a romantic partner out of the blue when the chips were down and I was exhausted with this app, suppressing my emotional well being because someone leaving me is my worst nightmare and comes first before literally anything else, dissolving that relationship a couple months later and being confronted with an even longer list of things about myself that are under construction.
: D
I set off on a journey to find romance, and I ended up trying to m*rder my inner shadows. Leave as a princess and come back as a knight sort of thing? But here is what I learned.
- Eight of Cups: Learning to walk away is an irreplaceable skill. If the relationship is safe enough for you to leave cleanly, there is nothing like allowing yourself to step away when you realize that you are no longer happy. Facing the storm of heartache is chilling, but so is being stagnant on a path that should be intended for an upward spiral. In a general tarot reading I watched on Youtube recently, the reader said that leaving is an act of self love. It’s choosing you. Leaving does not necessarily mean that the other person is a bad person, but it’s saying that the situation cultivated by us both is not beneficial.
- The Lovers: Romantic experiences are riveting. They triggered physical and emotional sensations that I had never dealt with before. On a foundational level, it’s exciting to have someone show deep interest and “apply pressure”. Although I don’t think I will ever put myself out there on a dating app again, I have no regrets getting it.
- Death: Transformation isn’t light work. It’s not feeling like I am levitating off the ground and ascending into the heavens. It’s feeling weighed down by my fears, wondering when will my body stop feeling at 100 with anxiety. It’s laying in the bed trying to trace back through childhood to figure out “why do I never voice when I need help even when the situation is intense?”. It literally felt like my soul was dying and my body was not that far behind. And the cards knew it because the Death card was the #1 most popular card whenever I would shuffle my deck.
- Two of Cups: Get ready for a mirror to be held up. I quickly started to notice that quite a few of the hang ups I had with people in my romantic life, I could also see in myself. They are too afraid to be vulnerable with me? Someone could ask me how many siblings I have and I get irritated. They act like they don’t really care? Watch how I panic at asking people how they are or what they have been up to. They think that they are always right? ….. next question. It was a constant cycle of witnessing bad habits and then reflecting on what part of myself does the same thing, and how can I work with myself to undo that.
- The Empress: Ask for what you want and need damn it! This requires being attuned to your body on some level, because you have to ask yourself what you want first. There was a point on this journey when I would get annoyed with myself because I would never ask for what I wanted. I looked into myself and it was silence. I had nothing that I wanted or needed lined up. I did know that my chest would feel weird when certain things happened, or I would hesitate before doing something specific. Listen to your body! It will help you and guide you to realizing your needs. Don’t ignore the negative or positive feelings when you are in a situation or conversation with someone. Being confident about asking is the other side of the coin. Even when I began to listen to my body, I was too afraid to step up and express my needs. Realize that if you do not express your wants/needs, your loved ones won’t have the chance to rise to the occasion. Give them that chance!
Going through this experience, from download to heartache to healing, was what I needed to move stagnant energy through my body and confront anything and everything that would appear in my thoughts over the years but I have repeatedly shoved down. As I have never been in a romantic situation, most of my shadows had to do with experiences that were not romantic in nature. However, I found my shadows had never been challenged or triggered like they were when I allowed myself to show people that I care, to put my heart on my sleeve, to risk being rejected or outright left, to confront being misunderstood, to give myself room to make huge mistakes, to teeter on the present and turn my back to the nonexistence of the future. Literally all of the things that love requires.
Although I am not in a romantic situation anymore, I realize that an ending is not the end. I’m still transforming. I can feel myself expanding and contracting as I heal. I will always be morphing– developing my interests, confronting new and old shadows, dealing with love and grief.
Life, amirite?
Happy End of Mercury Retrograde,
For the audio version of this post, listen below
Kennedy 
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